With a Little Help . . .

With a Little Help . . .

The current coronavirus pandemic is, quite simply, frightening.  The virus itself appears physically devastating to so many.  Part of the fright remains our apparent lack of knowledge about it: incubation period; methods of transmission; ability to develop natural immunity if contracted; and whatever new reports Dr. Fauci brings to our attention.  Part of the fright, at least for me, comes from such drastic measures never previously adopted in my lifetime: self-quarantine; stay at home orders; nationwide school and business closures; and panic buying at any and every store which remains open.  By the way, are people renting U-Store-It lockers to stock away all the toilet paper?

We are all displaced in many regards.  Our routines which keep us somewhat grounded no longer exist.  We are in uncharted territories.  To what do we turn in such times?  Faith and prayer.  Significant others and family.  Determination and resolve. Friends, but at appropriate social distancing levels. Work.  And humor.  Yes.  Among those things that help, I believe, is humor.

COVID-19 is no laughing matter.  However, we should not, and cannot, lose the ability to laugh at ourselves.  It helps us cope with it all.  How many of us chuckled when we saw video of the couple pushing four shopping carts (i.e., “buggies” to my fellow Southerners) each full of toilet paper at Costco?  I think they may be handing out rolls of toilet paper instead of candy this Halloween.

Accordingly, I offer a modest attempt at timely and topical humor in an effort to brighten even a small portion of your upside down day.  I present this funny look at ourselves through the medium of song.  I have taken great liberties in re-writing lyrics to some well-known songs to fit this pandemic.  With apologies to all songwriters and performers, feel free to sing along to the following tunes.

For those parents and caretakers finding themselves suddenly at home with younger children (thank goodness mine are mostly grown) and still attempting to work from home, we receive musical inspiration with a re-write of “Rock and Roll All Nite” by KISS.  Here is the debut of “I Wanna Stay Home All Day”:

“I Wanna Stay Home All day”

They scream with everything they got.

Demand juice and and snacks around the clock.

The kids are home, it drives me crazy.

Interrupt when I’m on a conference call.

Used lipstick to draw on the hallway wall.

The kids are home, it drives me crazy.

They keep on shouting, when they are not pouting:

I wanna stay at home all day, with the corona school break.

I wanna stay at home all day, with the corona school break.

Toys and games all over – it’s a mess.

Put the poor dog in a dress.

The kids are home, it drives me crazy.

Schools won’t re-open for a while.

Need more antacids to calm the bile.

The kids are home, it drives me crazy.

As cautioned time and time again, we must practice proper hygiene to limit the spread of coronavirus.  Garth Brooks sacrifices his song “Friends in Low Places” for the cause.  Please join with me in singing the new hit “Wash My Hands at All Places”:

“Wash My Hands at All Places”

Blame it all on the soap,

My poor hands couldn’t cope,

In need of lotion for their care.

I lather and rub,

Each digit I scrub,

Miss a spot, I don’t dare.

Ivory, Dial and Dove,

There is one called Tokyo Love,

It matters not the brands.

My hands are dry and sore,

but I’ll wash some more,

I’ve developed alligator hands.

‘Cause, I wash my hands at all places.

Then sanitize,

But don’t touch them faces.

Keep the virus away,

And we’ll be okay.

I’ve become big on Purell.

Hands are cracked, but what the hell.

Oh, I wash my hands at all places.

Our friends from Costco reappear for an encore and their efforts to corner the toilet paper market.  Queen lends a hand and lends us their song “You’re My Best Friend” which has become “”You’re the Best Roll”.

“You’re the Best Roll”

Ooh, I stockpiled you.

If the virus I get, to the potty I race.

I have 300 rolls, just in case.

Provides comfort to my mind, and my base.

Ooh, I stockpiled you.

You’re the best roll.

2 ply ain’t bad.

Don’t ask for any, I have none to spare.

I treasure each roll and every square.

And I need you to know,

I depend on you

To get me through.

You’re the best roll.

Ooh, I stockpiled you.

How about those college students at Florida beaches.  They all apparently missed the memo about precautionary measures and avoiding crowds.  Those college kids were probably too busy cramming for mid-terms before Spring Break to pay attention to the news.  Appropriately, Jimmy Buffet assists us with “Margaritaville” which the college students renamed “Spring Break” in this re-write:

“Spring Break”

Sun all day.

On the beaches we play.

Among the crowds with our cooler of beer.

Cancelled classes,

We party off our a**es.

Pass the sunscreen since you’re standing right here.

Wasted away on Spring Break.

Social distancing not in our sight.

Some people claim that we don’t care,

But we just want to party all night.

Interaction we’re craving.

Much misbehaving.

Not concerned about the virus we do boast.

Uh oh.  Beaches closed.

Guess Spring Break is officially toast!

Finally, the economy.  What can be said beyond The Beatle’s providing us “Yesterday” which has been re-written as “401(k)”:


Yesterday, I had money in my 401(k).

Now it looks like its wiped away.

Oh, why didn’t I cash out yesterday.

Suddenly, 18,000 where the Dow Jones be.

I’ll have to work ’til I’m ninety three.

Oh, the COVID-19 slump came suddenly.

Why did the money go?

Stock fundamentals remained okay.

“Ride it out” they say,

But I have no money with which to play . . .

If you find yourself looking for something to do while quarantined, add a few verses to these songs which are certain to become instant classics.  Just hurry before they each crack the Top 40.  In the interim, stay safe and stay healthy.  Remember:  Wash You’re Hands at All Places!

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